Sunday, January 26, 2014

Why You Probably Shouldn't Vote for Me...

I was nominated in multiple award categories over at Bonnie's this week and understandably delighted. My delight gave over to amusement when I saw that one of the categories (in addition to Best Mom Blog and Most Inspiring... aaaawww, thanks guys!) was for Smartest Blog. After I was done alternately blushing and laughing uproariously, I felt overcome with guilt. I've got to be straight with you people. You're all so nice and decent that I can't let you go on thinking happy things about me that just aren't true. So I've put together a list of several of the stupidest things I've done during my 17 years of married life. I've left out thousands, but these are some the ones I remember most vividly. I assume you don't do these kinds of things. On the off chance that you do, feel free to soothe my wounded pride by sharing your own.

~1~
Using Pledge on My Wood Floors.
I was heavily pregnant with my second child and several hours away from hosting a lovely holiday gathering. My house was sparkling clean and I had a little time to add some last minute touches. Like polishing my pretty wood floors. With Pledge. They were so shiny and lovely!

About an hour before my guests were due to arrive, the phone rang and I hustled my big belly down my glowing, reflective hallway in a pair of fuzzy socks. I went flying. Like skates on newly zambonied ice. And landed hard.

When I told my mother-in-law about what I had done, her eyes grew very large and she asked me if I was injured... then she laughed. She is a marvelous housekeeper and I hope to be like her when I grow up.

~2~
Using dish soap in my dish washer.
It was like a movie, I tell you. The bubbles just kept flowing out of the cracks in the dishwasher, out of the kitchen and into the adjoining room. Up to my knees. It was preferable to overflowing toilets, but still.

When I told my mother-in-law what I had done, her eyes grew very large and she said, "You shouldn't put regular dish soap in the dishwasher." A wise woman.

~3~
Filling our diesel van with gasoline.
If you don't know what happens when a woman fills her beloved diesel-fueled van with $80 worth of gasoline, well then I'll tell you. The vehicle, full of children, will stall in the middle of the left turn lane at a busy intersection in the middle of rush hour. People will do crazy things to get around you and you will feel really unhappy and only slightly better when a policemen says he is going to push your vehicle down a big hill and you must steer it into a CVS parking lot. And then you will have to figure out why it stalled and at least your husband will be so, so kind about it. At least we didn't have to scrap the vehicle but it did hurt the pocketbook significantly. And my pride.

When I told my mother-in-law about it, she oozed compassion and told me that those things happen.

Yes, it even came with bright red INSTRUCTIONS


~4~
Leaving small children in a running car alone.
I was just running into the house for a second. I figured that a 3-year old and 5-year old would be just fine all buckled up in the back seat. Wrong. Somehow, both of them managed to climb up front, put the car into drive and crash it through our closed gate and our new garage door.

My oldest son was 7 at the time and I rushed outside when I heard him screaming. I saw the car and the tiny little people staring out of it at me with wide eyes. So naturally, I ran out and grabbed the car by the open window and tried to stop it by pulling on it. You can imagine how successful I was. I had this odd notion that is was just rolling. Uphill. In fact, I pulled so hard that I hurt my shoulder.

And of course our neighbors (the kind you can't wait to move away from) were hanging over the fence yelling about what an idiot I was to leave the kids alone in a running vehicle. This from people whose toddlers walk around with open cans of booze. Humiliating. Anyway, we were all fine. And the kid behind the wheel will not be driving until he is 30. I remind him frequently.

My mother-in-law sat quietly with me in my misery while the men folk talked about what I should have done instead of trying to stop the car with my superpowers.

~5~
Breaking my toe by kicking a toy in anger.
Life lessons come painfully sometimes. And American Girl horses are so very, very hard on the big toe.   The kids thought it was hysterical. They tried to be compassionate but the temptation to laugh at me was too great to resist. My toe will never be the same... A lesson that keeps on teaching.

My mother-in-law was compassionate and reminded me of the time she snapped a toe bone in half by banging into a night stand. She had to have the bone removed and now her toe is floppy like jello. But I don't think she is the kind of person who kicks objects on purpose.

~6~
Causing grocery store havoc with jars of Prego.
I am finally coming clean. I did take the bottom jar from a double stack of spaghetti sauce jars in aisle 13. I guess I wasn't paying attention. The result was the slow motion anihilation of an entire shelf of Prego spaghetti sauce in glass jars. I tried to catch them but I kept missing and they just kept crashing. "Clean up in Aisle 13." The boy with the mop stood very still after he turned the corner and surveyed the tomato carnage. I'm so sorry, I said. He responded with a heavy, heavy sigh.

My husband loves to retell that story but his account is grossly exaggerated. 

~7~
And to finish this off with a bang...
I once accidentally took a strong laxative in my ninth month of pregnancy and went into false labor for 7 horrible, agonizing, vomiting, crying hours. It looked a lot like the pain reliever I intended to take but it had the polar opposite effect. Did you know that laxatives can actually stimulate uterine contractions (gigantic, unearthly ones) and start labor if you are close enough to term? Yep. I did not have the baby that night but I would have put money on it at the time. (My actual labor only ended up being two hours from start to finish but I secretly count it as nine.)

I don't think I ever told my mother-in-law about that one. Those were the days when I still had a little motherly pride left and no blog with which to over share. 

There. Now you have all the information you need in order to cast your vote...... And my conscience is at ease...





18 comments:

  1. Nothing you can say will not get you my vote. ;) You and others! (Pssst - I'm in the Underappreciated Blogger's section - if you're not already a fan of someone else.)

    Cough. Yes. Shameless plug.

    ~ Country Girl's Daybook, recently posted: A Movie Review of The Book Thief → http://bit.ly/1eSRAS0

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    1. I refuse to divulge my votes, Iris, but I may have already done that before you mentioned it. ;)

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  2. These cracked me up!!! Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoy them, Charlotte. Isn't it funny how things that are so incredibly NOT funny at the time can become something pretty okay? Time heals, I guess...lol.

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  3. Oops. Thought I commented on this, but I guess not! Thanks for the giggles... ;)
    ~ Country Girl's Daybook, recently posted: A Movie Review of The Book Thief → http://bit.ly/1eSRAS0

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    1. Iris-Google thought you were spam and I just rescued you. :)

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  4. I've done lots of dumb things too. I can't think of what they are currently. The Good Lord blessed me with forgetfulness I guess! BUT number 6 just tickles me silly. Love it. I can see myself doing the same thing!

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    1. I refuse to believe it without proof! :) Yes, #6 is a real family treasure...lol!

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  5. Man, after this, you should be on the funniest blog list, too! I was laughing hysterically on many of them. I think the kids driving through the garage door is the best. Or maybe the Prego. Adding your mother-in-law's reactions was a great touch.

    A stupid thing I've done...Reminded my kids to go to the bathroom before we left, then when the 8 year old actually followed directions and went to the bathroom, I left. And didn't realize it for half an hour. Because my phone was dead and he couldn't call me. And then I did it again a month later.
    Oh, I once cut the tip of my daughter's finger while clipping her nails when she was 4 months old. It bled, of course, but I flipped out when it wouldn't stop bleeding after a couple of minutes. (It was such a tiny cut, it would have taken her 5 years to bleed to death.) I ran our oldest over to the neighbor's house and rushed her to the hospital. Where they calmly said, "Quite lifting the bandage to check it. She's fine."
    Happy now?

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    1. Your comment was worth writing the post, Christine. :) I read it to my kids and they were in hysterics.

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  6. These are so great! My husband did the dish soap in the dishwasher thing when we were away on vacation once! It was totally like a sitcom.

    I'm sure I have TONS that I have forgotten but I do get to claim credit for the large unrepaired scrape on the side of our van and the broken wood of the garage... In my defense we had just moved in and have a circular driveway so I wasn't used to the angle? I think that was the first time Brian was every really angry with me... He forgave, of course, but it did take him a while to cool down. And I can't really blame him :)

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    1. Oooh... getting the van and the garage at the same time is a bummer.

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  7. Those are great! I frequently put myself in time out to avoid kicking toys.

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    1. haha! Mama time out! I guess that's technically what I'm doing when I sit in the bathroom to cool my temper.

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  8. Love these, my family's favorite story is the one where I wanted to try a new chili recipe and used a bag of organic kidney beans (not canned). I was trying for all healthy and organic. Anyway, I used the crock pot and come to find out you need to be very, very careful in preparing beans, especially kidney beans, because they are TOXIC if not done right! I didn't have much because it tasted off but my loving husband actually ate a whole bowl full. Not good, but luckily I remembered reading a blog post somewhere about using charcoal for food poisoning and we managed to get him thru it without a trip to the E.R.

    My hubby and I still joke about the time I literally tried to poison him! I have not tried cooking with anything but canned beans since.

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    1. Oh, Amy! I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time but what a memory! I told my kids and they thought it was a riot. I had to remind them that the funny is all in the retelling and not in the living! God bless. :)

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  9. I laughed out loud at your stories, but ONLY because they reminded me of SO MANY of my very own absent minded mishaps. You earn not only funniest blogger, smartest blogger, but most humble blogger after such an honest confession. A true confessions post would probably be good for all of us!

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    1. Truth be told, I was hoping for more confessions in the combox because this ended up being more humbling than I thought it would be! A good exercise, to be sure! I hope that you are feeling well, Susan. Can't wait to see your little one! I have been too busy to do much commenting but I love being inspired by the humility and GRACE that lives on your blog. :)

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