Potty Training 101: Stay Cool, Communicate well, Embrace the Messy

We're currently potty training our 6th child. It is about this time that I wonder if it would really be so terrible to let the kids wear diapers just a little bit longer. But he's 2.5 years old, a new baby is coming, and diapers are expensive... so on with the adventure.

For those of you who haven't done this yet, I'll detail our most recent potty trip for you (to give a real life view of the thing) and then provide a convenient list of helpful potty training tips. I am not an expert. I just have an abundance of experience in the ups and downs of it all....
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About 15 minutes ago, Little Cub came running up the stairs in nothing but his new underpants. Where are you going? I asked...

To the bafroom.
Did you already pee in your pants?
Yes.
Okay. Go sit on the potty and I'll be right there to help you.
*Child does a suma wrestler walk up the stairs, trying not to let his legs touch his wet unders*

As I followed him up, I stepped into a wet area of the carpet where he had been standing and sighed, making a mental note to come back to that.

Once in the bathroom, I noted a little puddle on the floor in front of his little potty and his soiled pair of pants (#1 and a bit of #2) next to that. He had been watching a Veggietale video with his sisters and apparently missed his body cues. I calmly sat down on the edge of the bathtub and smiled encouragingly as he concentrated while still trying to pretend that I wasn't paying too much attention to him.

I'm done! he shouted. And he lifted up the little bowl filled with his accomplishments. I smiled and told him what a great big boy he was becoming and we flushed together.

I then put a diaper on him. It's getting late in the day, you know. Enough is enough. We can scrub up and cheer on more tomorrow.

I sent him on his way back to his sisters and proceeded to wash the carpet, the bathroom floor, the little potty bowl, and do the proper thing with the underpants (if you must know, I threw them into the bathtub until I can get them into the wash later tonight).

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That's reality and it's okay. I trust that he will be trained by high school. For those of you new to this (or just needing a little multi-child boost), I offer you a list of helpful hints based on my experience...

1. If you have carpets and plan on potty training more than one child, replace the carpets with hard flooring asap if possible. I know carpeting is comfy, but it will only take a couple accidents before you know the value of my advice.

2. Embrace the messy. It happens. Sometimes all over the place. Don't freak out. Say a prayer and just clean it up. If you freak out, you'll just make it harder on yourself and the kid.

3. Don't yell at the kid for an oops. Just don't. It never helps and just freaks them out about the whole experience. Express your frustration audibly one too many times and you will be rewarded by a fearful child who suddenly figures out how to hide urine-soaked underpants, probably under your couch.

4. Don't throw a party every time they go. Enthusiasm is warranted but try not to give the thing more than it deserves. Just act like it's the most natural thing in the world. Give smiles and hugs liberally but not disproportionate to your normal encouraging behavior. Remember that there will probably be momentary lapses... and if your general approach is even and not overboard, the child won't feel like a horrific failure during the oops times. Instead of "OH NO! WHAT DID YOU DO???!!!" try "Oops... oh well, it happens. Try to get it into the potty next time okay? Don't forget to come get mommy if you need me to fly you there super fast. Shall we get you another pair of underpants? Uh oh... they're all dirty. That's okay. I have an extra diaper."

Communicate and love well. Refrain from excessive drama and your child will take your cue and transition more calmly

5. Encourage a healthy relationship with the "big potty" as soon as possible. If the child is overly attached to the little plastic trainer, peeing at Grandma's and in public restrooms is going to be challenging. This is physically challenging for tiny people but not impossible. You know how they can move the chair, climb onto the counter and find the candy you've hidden on top of the fridge? Yeah... they can handle the potty with a little practice.

6. Refrain from buying an expensive neon singing training potty. See #4. I like our plain white Baby Bjorn (pictured at the top of this post) because it is so normal looking. No frills. Get on, get off, move along.

7. Bring sanitizer wipes, plastic bags, a towel, and DIAPERS in the car and keep them there while training. No need to be a hero. Prepare well. This is a process.

8. Try to schedule the first days with underpants during warm weather. This will make it a whole lot easier to manage laundry since there will be fewer clothes to soil. There is also more time spent outside in the grass instead of on your living room carpet.

9. Every child is different. Honor that if you're working on kiddo #2 or beyond and be flexible with expectations.

10. Some children will do well during the day and not so great at night. Some kids are naturally very deep sleepers. We have had two of these (a smoke detector sounding in the same room would not wake them so wet sheets certainly made no impact). Don't panic. Don't freak out. If you are losing sleep and changing sheets DAILY, just buy pull-ups and gently work on it. You need your sleep. Don't talk about it in front of others and don't put undue importance on the matter. Just love them through it and make sure you find the wet pull-ups if they try to hide them under the bed.

11. Ask them frequently if they have to go and learn the signs of "holding it." Seriously, this is a big part of the process. They need to learn how to pay attention to and evaluate their body signals and it is not as easy as we imagine it should be. Even if they say "no".... just use your mommy sense and take them when it seems like it should be time.

12. If your boys are too short to reach, do not attempt to teach them the standing up method yet. In fact, even if they are not too short, don't teach them that yet. You will regret it. Everything is a target. Just sayin'.

13. Don't be afraid to wait for readiness. I know there are mamas out there who claim to be able to train babies. I admire that but have no experience with it. My own experience is with toddlers and that the process goes a lot more smoothly when maturity (mental, emotional, and physical) is in line with your goals.

14. Practice firm, loving discipline in all areas of life. Don't freak out. Communicate well.

I'm sure there are more. Add them in the comments if you'd like. Here are a few possible obstacles (there are countless) to potty training to be aware of:

1. Child is afraid of falling in the toilet and getting flushed.
2. Child is afraid of a little black thing on the floor that looks like a spider.
3. Child is afraid of his own stool. I'm not joking.
4. Child is afraid of being in the bathroom by himself.
5. Child is afraid of turning on the light by himself (or is unable to reach it).
6. Child does not wish to interrupt playtime in order to go and would rather sit in it.
7. Child has an extremely laid back temperament and simply isn't interested.
8. Child is accustomed to being allowed to throw terrible fits when anything doesn't go his way and refuses to cooperate (this is a much larger discipline problem that will certainly affect potty training).
9. Primary caregiver (that's most likely you, mama) has issues with drama/temper and has undermined the child's confidence.
10. Child doesn't like the color of his underpants. Please see #8

The answer to all of these obstacles is patient, calm, firm, and attentive caregiving. Just like everything else in parenting. There will be many times as they grow that you wish parenting was as easy as potty training. This moment is a blessing and, by the way, makes hilarious memories. 
Stay cool, mama... and love well.

7QT: Thrifting Successes

Like new thrifted Rare Editions Dress $2... sweet frugal victory!

~1~

The Chief and I disagree about the idea of shopping "successes" even if they are thrifted. He contends that spending money cannot at any time be considered a money saving success. Saving money, he says, involves NOT spending money. And thrifting, says my wise husband, is often spending money on things you didn't really need to buy.

Yes, yes, dear. Of course, you are right. But it's the thrill of the thing... a gal aught to have a little bit of thrill once in a while. (You can see here that I am really rather easy to please... he aught to be very grateful.)

~2~

So today, I took the kids in search of garage sales and we had a great time and SAVED a bunch of money. If my husband wants to focus on how much we SPENT... well, I guess he can just be that glass-is-half-empty kind of guy if that makes him happy.

The biggest find was a "new" bike for Crash. The kid has been without wheels for many weeks. First, his hand-me-down rollerblades broke and then his bike bit the dust. An 11-year old boy without wheels is like a fish without water.

I've been looking for bike deals for a while and have passed on rusty, worn jobs that are regularly featured in yards. But today, I found the the perfect sized bike with working breaks and tires that still have the treads. They were asking $40, we got it for $25. The boy is happy, happy, happy. And I saved at least $15.

~3~

I can't wait to tell the Chief that I saved him hundreds today. I saved $200 on one dress alone. It's true! Someone, somewhere spent way too much money on a handmade boutique dress and gave it to a child who never wore it. Then they gave it to the Salvation Army who sold it to the woman I bought it from. I paid $2 for a little girl's dress that still has the original price tag of $200.

~4~

The kids found some Christmas presents today as well. One is a lovely used item and the other is still in it's packaging. The total for two Christmas gifts = $1.50. Even my penniless kids can handle that (by December anyway).

They do like to haggle. One of my youngsters today set a personal goal for his trip: "I would like to find something for 50 cents and only pay 40." He was successful. He thought he saved 10 cents but I was quick to inform him (on behalf of the Chief) that he has simply spent 40.

~5~

In spite of the fact that I never buy anything I don't need at garage sales *ahem*, my kids are terrible at this. Truly terrible.  It is a great blessing, in fact, that they have so little spending money. They would buy the junkiest, most useless stuff ever. Actually, they manage to do that anyway but not in tremendous quantities. I could put a stop to the insanity every time but at some point, a mom's got to let a kid learn those hard lessons. You don't have enough money for the new fill-in-the-blank you want to buy? Ah. Well, I guess you shouldn't have spent all your cash on:

a used racquetball.
a broken ipod.
a mug with the handle on the inside (it's a "Polish" mug, folks)

And no, I'm not joking. My kids actually bought those things and I actually didn't stop them.

I, on the other hand, found another adorable dress for Jellybean. Gymboree in perfect condition with little embroidered giraffes and cute things... $1

Yes, yes, dear... it adds up. But it would add up significantly faster if I actually shopped at Gymboree.

Authentic Gymboree playing in the woods modeled by authentic little girl. 

~6~

Shoes are always a great thrifting victory. While the idea of wearing other people's old shoes does not appeal to the Chief (something about foot fungus scares him off) I think that kids' shoes are not usually as gross; first, because they grow out of them so quickly; and second, because kids don't have foot fungus nearly as often as adults.

My successes today:

Suede boots for next Winter for Jellybean. $1
Mass shoes for Little Cub when he's a bit bigger. $1

Little Cub trying on his new shoes a couple years too soon.

~7~

Free Stuff. Because my kids are so well-behaved when we go to yard sales, they inevitably score free stuff from people who would rather give stuff to us than have to pack it up again. I can't say that most of the free items have been nice. Most of it hits the trash within 24-hours. But it certainly makes the trip more entertaining for the littles. Today was no exception.

I should have said no. I don't know why I didn't. I don't even like new Barbie dolls and have never purchased any... and now, my daughters are in possession of 3 ratty, creepy looking fashion dolls in outfits right out of an Abercrombie catalog. When the woman offered the dolls, Button looked at me with her best puppy dog eyes and I (hungry, tired, and confused) said yes.

Once we got in the car, I got hold of myself and told them to enjoy the moment because they were not keeping them, nor were those things entering my house. They played with them for an hour on the driveway and now... the dolls are mine *evil laugh*.

No offense to those of you who allow Barbies in your house. I simply can't tolerate them.

Some people mistakenly think I'm a nice mother. But they have no idea that I throw out Barbie dolls. :)
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Joining Jen at Conversion Diary for 7 Quick Takes Friday

Why Mark Shea is Wrong: A Defense of Live Action

Live Action camera rolls during "Mona Lisa" project

I was disappointed when I read Mark Shea's post attacking Lila Rose and Live Action. I read with an open mind but also an increasing frustration and renewed awareness that yes, we are often our own worst enemies in the pro-life movement. Debate and accountability are a wonderful and healthy thing for Christian people. I do not object to Mark Shea issuing a concern. But even if Shea were right in his conclusion (I am not of this opinion), his timing and methods are questionable.

The Church Militant does not need sensational headlines and clever quips mired in shallow theological blah blah jamming up our comboxes. What we need is a holy boldness that follows the firm direction of the Church. Does that ever involve theological debate over the essential details? Absolutely. Does it justify a public attack against an ally in the midst of a critical battle? I'm not convinced.

I once had a conversation with a leading member of a national pro-life organization. She told me that she doesn't believe the pro-aborts have done half as much damage to the pro-life cause as pro-lifers themselves. She remarked that the biggest and most absurd divisions always seem to come at the most critical times.

Exhibit A: Mark Shea's recent criticism of Live Action.

Shea recently used a public forum to accuse Live Action of using sinful tactics to expose Planned Parenthood. That's a huge charge to make against fellow Christians, particularly one doing more good than most people on the pro-life front. His timing (just when the pro-life momentum is making incredible strides) and choice of venue strike me as being careless. His theology is also a bit careless and that is really where his entire argument breaks down.

First let me say this: I am not a moral theologian... but my husband is. I had my own thoughts on why Shea was wrong and presented the article to the Chief to get his impression. He was immediately able to identify the problems with Shea's argument. I'm hoping he'll write the academic version of this article since he is most qualified. In the meantime, I think the thing just needs to be said: Shea's argument is flawed.

Is lying ever permitted? 

Shea's primary objection to the undercover work of Live Action is that the end doesn't justify the means. Lying is always a sin. Therefore he contends that undercover work, for whatever reason, is not morally justifiable.

There is no question in Catholic teaching that lying is objectively wrong. There is not even room in there for a "little white lie." But there is a also a body of thought within Church tradition (including Fathers and saints) that discusses and weighs the degrees of gravity and culpability (Shea acknowledges this) and also, the idea that it can be morally permissible to withhold the truth in certain circumstances from those who do not have a right to it.

If what Shea is saying is absolutely true -- that Live Action's undercover work is deceptive to the degree that it cannot be justified -- then the following must also be true:

~ Police operations that rely on undercover work in order to stop evil are never justifiable.
~ Undercover military operations designed to stop the spread of evil are never justifiable.
~ Turning evil away from killing or defiling can never be done by withholding the truth.

It is not my intention to overthrow the Commandments of God but rather to issue a question mark to Shea's conclusion in this circumstance. I leave the nitty gritty to the theologians. If Shea allows for the above three examples but denies the same concession to Live Action's work, then he grossly misunderstands the horror and evil of abortion. On the other hand, if he concedes that all undercover operations of police and military are immoral, then he will certainly find himself on the opposite side of a great many faithful theologians and saints.

Worthwhile article on lying here: Is Lying Ever Right?

Is Live Action "tempting somebody to commit a mortal sin"?

This is the primary objection that Shea has to Live Action's undercover work. The lying bothers him but the purpose of the lie bothers him more. He suggests that the presence of a potential customer will tempt the abortionist to have murderous intentions and draw them into mortal sin. He opines that it is possible that the abortionist is on the cusp of conversion and that Live Action may have ruined the moment.

Personally, I think this is the weaker of Shea's arguments. First of all, the doors of the abortion mills are open to the public and they welcome all who can pay. They do not need to be convinced or coerced to schedule a regular appointment. They engage in mortal sin simply by accepting appointments and walking through that door. They advertise and do what business owners will do to get business. Second, abortion is legal, so the undercover work is not designed to "trap" anyone but to find out what goes on in an actual legal consultation. Additionally, Live Action's undercover work is also legal and has not violated any particular rights of the clinic workers. Live Action has only opened doors through which they were invited as potential customers.

To suggest that an undercover operative is disrupting the work of personal conversion is as bizarre as suggesting that it is better to allow a child sex ring leader to convert on his own good time because we wouldn't want to interfere with the work of the Holy Spirit on the man's heart.

A sound argument can certainly be made, however, that the forcible stopping of evil action is good for the soul of an evildoer... that the work of stopping evil can do more for converting a bad man than permitting him to continue in it. We can always do our best to love people peacefully to conversion. In the meantime, we must do what we can to stop their evil actions from claiming the lives and souls of innocent people.

The "lie" of Live Action is that their undercover women pretend to be pregnant and to be seeking an abortion in order to see and hear directly from the abortionists and staff what cannot generally be heard in any other way. Clearly this falls under dishonesty, but again, there are volumes of Catholic debate between good and holy people that discuss whether this type of action in defense of life is ever permissible. And there are a fair number of theologians and saints who would not agree with Mark Shea.

In order to catch evil in the act for the purpose of securing public safety, covert operations are often indispensable. It is not a matter of "trickery" or of causing a person to do what they otherwise would not do. It is a matter of exposing evil actions already being committed to the light of day. In America, abortion is legal and consequently, fighting this battle is complex. This is not  simply a matter of catching a criminal... but of exposing the reality of abortion so that Americans will be moved to stop it through democratic process.

What this really comes down to is that Shea has determined to speak definitively for the Church where she has not chosen to speak. Lying is objectively wrong. No question. But there do appear to be some very narrow areas within that teaching which have been debated by good people (including saints) for centuries. Shea is certainly free to join that discussion, but his attack and divide method leaves a wounded, confused, and weak body, and ammo for the enemy. I have no doubt that he intends well. But I also feel compelled to speak to his error.

A final note...
Fr. Frank Pavone of Priests for Life fully supports the person and actions of Lila Rose and the Live Action organization. I spoke with a representative on the phone today and he was very familiar with Mark Shea's criticisms since Shea has been writing in this vein for quite a while. Apparently, Father Pavone is also aware of Shea's position and yet continues, in spite of that, to enthusiastically support Live Action and link to their work on the Priests for Life website. This does not prove my position, but it does demonstrate that there remains room for healthy debate between faithful Catholics on this matter.
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*disclaimer*
I am not perfect. I am not a theologian. My confidence is not in myself but in Christ Jesus and His Church. I submit this post with humility and subject myself completely to God's grace and mercy. If any unpleasantness comes of it, I offer it for the sake of the unborn children who are scheduled to be murdered in abortion mills. And for their mothers and fathers. If I discover that I have spoken in error, I commit myself to correcting it promptly.

Winning My Husband Home...

I used to pray against my husband about winning the lottery. He would occasionally buy a ticket and I would cringe and tell him that it would probably be our spiritual ruin and to just let it be. You know what Jesus said about a rich man and the eye of a needle and all of that... so better not go there.

For the record, I want to say that I have reversed that position and now actively encourage periodic lottery splurges. Not because I want fancy cars and luxury vacations... but because I want my husband to come home.

As more time passes, I fall more in love with my Chief and appreciate more fully those characteristics which not only make him a wonderful husband but an incredible father. It is a loss to the family that he is prevented from being more available because his profession keeps him away. He always says that if he won the lottery, he wouldn't retire from working but would simply work full time for family and Church. He would finish writing and publishing the books he has drafted. He would pursue pro-life work more actively with his kids. He would teach them during the day and have longer conversations that must be abbreviated now... about everything from philosophy to automobiles to love.

Our homeschool is going just fine but ideally, I would have less of me... or at least enough of me balanced by the Chief's masculine energy, love, and intellect. My ideal school environment would never be in an institutional setting but instead this healthy balance of loving, engaging, faith-centered family.

My husband has sacrificed quite a bit of money over the years so that he could be with his family. It always surprised other guys at the station when he would turn down overtime. Who turns down overtime? He was one of the only men who didn't choose to maintain a second job. Instead, he would drive us to daily Mass and spend time studying at home for the day when he would get an opportunity to test for promotion. When many firemen would happily work on Sundays, my guy managed to work very few during the year, preferring instead to use his vacation days or switch time in order to spend the Lord's Day with us, believing that this example was extremely important to the kids' faith development. I believe God blessed his faithfulness and allowed him to be able to be present for all major holy days during his years on shift, even when he was low on the seniority totem. In 13 years, I don't believe he ever worked a Christmas or Easter... and that took some creativity,  persistence, and certainly some divine intervention.

That's not to say he hasn't worked hard. In fact, it was his constant effort and planning that placed him in a position to be fire chief only 10 years after he first walked onto the job. He worked his tail off. He achieved every certification he had the opportunity for and earned a second master's degree. But he somehow managed to still give priority to his family.

These days, after putting in a full day at work, he comes home to begin his "second shift" with us. He coaches and drives and shops and accompanies us to Mass and to activities. It is rare that he even has an hour to sit after work before his time is claimed by our needs. He will walk with me in the neighborhood at 11:00 at night after the kids' needs are met and take midnight trips to Walmart if I need them. And the kids and I giggle when he falls asleep sitting up in his chair.

Work is hard and he does his faithfully. I don't doubt for a minute that he would love the luxury of putting in his notice at the day job once and for all. He would probably dance out the door. But his life speaks to more than a want of luxury. He has passed up the money because it would have meant sacrificing family. But if it didn't mean giving up family time he'd never complain about more money. Ah, the elusive lottery win! I never imagined that I would pray for such a thing... but I confess freely that I have.

As our children grow and expenses increase; as our grocery bills seemed to double overnight, the house needs more repairs, hospital bills loom, and the older children begin to dream bigger dreams with larger price tags... the Chief begins to think of second jobs and dream of a paycheck that grows instead of shrinks with the economy. Not for the luxuries that feed his pleasures, but for the freedom to serve his family more fully and freely.

My children are good people because of their dad. I don't want money so that they can have stuff. But I would happily embrace a bit more so that they can have more of who he is.

So go ahead, Chief... throw a couple bucks into the wind now and then. If God wants to bless us with a win, at least He'll have a ticket to work with.

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The Chief recently took a vacation day to take us on a day trip to Columbus. Professor was invited to the Ohio Right to Life offices to receive his video contest prize and we made the 2-hour trip all together. It was an excellent day. The children were angelic. I don't think anyone cried or whined once. In fact, I don't think anyone even asked to go to the bathroom without a nudging from me. Our guardian angels must have been all over that... and Daddy was there with us....

Professor receiving his new ipad mini from Ohio Right to Life Executive Director, Pastor John Coats and Digital Media Director, Glenn Winters. 

Group shot! L to R: Emmalee (Director of Communications) and Glenn from Ohio Right to Life, Cookie, Little Cub, Button, Professor, Pastor Coates, Chief, Jellybean, Me, Crash

The cupcakes that the ORTL crew provided were a rather big hit with the littles. I felt a brief stab of regret for Professor and Cookie who are not currently eating wheat products but it gave way quickly to satisfaction when I saw how valiant they were in the face of temptation. :)

Cub and Crash. The best of friends and wrestling buddies. 

This is a lame shot taken by an unknown hand but I include it to show you my go-to maternity fashion. Jersey everything. It's like living in my PJ's. Gap tee ($8 on sale), maternity cami for modest layer, maxi skirt from Old Navy ($10 on sale). I'm 28 weeks pregnant here (the camera angle does not properly display my prominent bump) and I am blessed with a wardrobe that feels sleeping apparel. Highly recommended.

The kids in front of the Columbus State House. I think six sounds bigger than it looks, don't you? Or perhaps it's simply that each one is so dear that I can't think of them in numbers.

Cub and Cookie. Every night she says to him: "I love you brother bear" and he says "I love YOU sister bear." What a gift siblings are!

Jellybean. Our day trip miracle. Not a whine or squeal or flop out of her. Pure pretty princess from start to finish.

Our bus driver and commander-in-chief driving us out of downtown Columbus. 

He was also our faithful parking meter feeder and as we met with the ORTL people, explored the statehouse, and wandered through a Civil War reenactment event, he would periodically race off to drop coins and defend our vehicle from pink slips. I have to mention that bicycle riding cops in shorts are so darling. They look like large boy scouts and always inspire an "awwww" out of me. I think if I were a criminal I would not find them a bit intimidating.  As parking meter patrols, however, they are rather ruthless.

After our downtown trip, Chief treated us to a delicious lunch and then led a spontaneous trip to the massive Cabela's store in the area. We spent no fewer than 3 hours there during which time I became thoroughly convinced that I would love to take up archery with my whole family. 

In spite of all the time spent, the only splurge was a wooden pop gun for Little Cub which has proven to be a most treasured object. 

Gosnell Found Guilty...

Abortionist Kermit Gosnell has been found guilty on multiple accounts of murder for snipping the spinal cords of babies born alive after abortions. Story here and still developing.

What this means for the abortion industry I cannot say. I'm hoping and praying that common sense and basic intelligence among the American people will simply connect the dots and go from there. Gosnell would not even be in that courtroom if he had simply done his job and killed the babies prior to delivery. We're talking about the difference of a space of inches and a time lapse of seconds to minutes. His biggest failure was simply being a bad abortionist. Abortionists kill babies IN the womb... oops.

The abortion industry will now proceed to further blame pro-lifers for the Gosnell horror instead of embracing the reality of what it is they do. Be on the lookout for the following bogus claims and distractions:

-- Lack of funding for abortions produces monsters like Gosnell
-- Gross negligence on the part of the authorities produces horrors like Gosnell's mill
-- Politicization of women's rights caused the crimes of Gosnell
-- Kermit Gosnell is the face of life before Roe v. Wade
-- Pennsylvania's restrictive abortion laws cause crimes like Gosnell's
-- Anti-choice politicians drive people to doctors like Gosnell

These are lies but they will grow and expand to huge proportions in the coming days. That's all they've got folks. Otherwise, they have to talk about what abortion is... and they don't want to do that.

If only Gosnell had only snipped those little necks before they slipped out, then pro-aborts wouldn't be in this bind. And isn't that the real horror of it all.

Take a good look at the talking points above and start preparing yourself to answer them. The cornered lion is desperate and we need to continue to speak the truth even in the face of that fury.